I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
