I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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