So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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