WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
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I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
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We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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