Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
