Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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