She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
