i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
