Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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