Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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