You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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