Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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