i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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