and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
