I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
