Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
