my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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