made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We had sex on a dog bed..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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