I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
