Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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