how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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