in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
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I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
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How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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