i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
