She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
