apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We need to rekindle our bromance
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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