We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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