I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
