I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
