he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I have tasted many bathrooms
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