Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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