thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
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As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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