I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
