You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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