More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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