how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
