Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case