i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
