Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
