I need to stop coming to work sober
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
