i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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