i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Can't talk, ducks in the car
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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