my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
