guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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