if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
