Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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