Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
