I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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