I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
