i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
