Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
