I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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