so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
