Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
