There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
