So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
